Worthless
by Synti
Summary: What do you do when you fall for your best friend? Negative - Jonne/OC


**Fucking Worthless**

_All that I am, just can't find the words to make you understand me_

_As brave as I am, I'm not close to showing you who I am_

_Or what I feel_

_You're so fucking perfect, you're so fucking cool_

_And I'm so fucking worthless when I'm far from you_

_But in the end it doesn't matter 'cause you make me complete_

_The light of your smile, like the sun in a storm somewhere inside me_

_Put your hand on your head and wipe away all the fears I've ever had_

_Or could invent_

_You're so fucking perfect, you're so fucking cool_

_And I'm so fucking worthless when I'm far from you_

_But in the end you're all that matters 'cause you make me complete_

_~*Negative – Fucking Worthless*~_

You don't notice me watching you; of that I'm certain. I often think that such a thing could hardly be expected to fall under the radar, but they must do for you have never commented on them. If you caught a glimpse of the soft smile that drifts across my lips whenever someone mentions your name; thought deeper about the light flush that corrupts my pale cheeks whenever I chance to meet your eyes; saw the way my entire face lights up the moment you walk into a room; if you could somehow hear the thoughts that go on inside my head.

My heart pounds furiously at the very consideration of it and I catch my hands trembling on the table in front of me where I sit with a pen poised thoughtfully above a notepad. I carefully lay the pen down and take a deep breath inwards whilst running my clammy palms across my face as I attempt to gather my thoughts. It's always the same when it comes to writing lyrics: the best songs usually come from my own experiences and emotions, but the fine line between writing a relatable ballad and baring my soul before world is one that my mind has difficulty negotiating with. There has been many a time when I've written a full page of lyrics, then read through them only to see the inescapable truth staring me blindly in the face. I'm so in love with you, but you can never know it.

I exhale shakily and rake a hand through my hair, feeling tears of bitter resentment stinging my eyes. Why did I have to fall for you? Of all people, why did I have to be such a fool as to fall for my best friend? If it was anyone else – anyone at all – then there might have been the slightest chance that my love could be requited, but with you...I don't know how you would react. You're so unpredictable that it's impossible to determine, but the mere suggestion that my feelings towards you were anything stronger than friendship could have the potential to damage a relationship that I valued above all others beyond repair. If only I could make you see how very important you are to my being, so I could find some relief from the torture of these emotions tearing me apart inside. A soft sigh escapes me and I furiously wipe my tears away with the back of my hand before returning my attention to my songwriting.

"Weight of the world got you down?"

I jump as a voice carries across the room from the direction of the doorway, and I whip around in my seat to be met with the vision of perfection. You're stood leaning against the doorframe, watching me with a small smile curving your lips. I had been so absorbed in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard you enter the room. At once, my heart skips into overdrive and my mouth feels suddenly dry as I battle to keep my emotions under control, whilst that familiar heat begins to steal across my cheeks when my eyes meet with yours. However, as they do, your smile fades and your expression rapidly changes to one of concern, causing my entire body to tense involuntarily. Oh God, what have you noticed?

"Are you okay?" You ask worriedly, your voice sending shockwaves through my body. "You look like you've been crying."

I'm so captivated by the sheer beauty of you that it's several moments before I register that I'm supposed to offer a response to this question. I feel my cheeks flush an even deeper shade of red and I glance awkwardly away from you, cursing myself for being so frustratingly shy.

"I-I'm fine," I mumble, my gaze fixated on a point somewhere above your left shoulder. "I've just had a long day, that's all. I'm quite tired..."

A quick glance at your expression tells me that you're not particularly convinced buy you don't question it and merely push yourself away from the door to make your way across the room to me. I find myself hypnotised by the way your body moves as you do so, forgetting myself for a moment. You're so effortlessly graceful and seem almost to glide rather than walk, your leather-encased feet making no sound upon the thickly-carpeted floor. I blink rapidly to bring myself back to reality as you draw a chair out from the table and seat yourself beside me.

"Had any luck?" You questioned, nodding towards the notepad that still lay open in front of me.

You did not need to ask what it was that I had been doing because it happened all too often. Whenever I felt that my emotions were threatening to burst through the barriers of my self-control, I would sink silently away to a quiet place and immerse myself in my songwriting. It was the only thing that was therapeutic for me and could placate me when I needed it the most.

"I managed a couple of lines," I reply tiredly, sweeping my hair backwards out of my face, "but nothing impressive."

"It'll come to you eventually," You assure me with a pitying smile. You know how it frustrates me when I have no inspiration. "Can I take a look?"

I'm slightly taken aback by this request – it's completely unheard of for anyone to read my lyrics before a song had reached completion. I merely stare at you for several moments before I collect myself and simply nod.

Rather than pulling the notepad towards you to read its contents, you merely lean across to get a better view so that your body is pressed gently against mine, and my heart skips a beat. Oh God. You're so close to me that I can feel the heat radiating from your body and I have to force myself not to tense. My heart hammers somewhere in my throat, so loudly that I'm amazed you can't hear it, and my palms feel sweaty against the surface of the table upon which they are resting. A simply friendly touch has set my whole body alight.

It's difficult to tell whether you have noticed the reaction you've induced. Although your expression doesn't alter, it means little for you always were a difficult person to read. You tend to keep your emotions shielded from the world behind a heavy veil of indifference, which only makes my love for you that much more unbearable; you might feel exactly the same way and I could never know it. Your heart, too, could be pounding like a freight train whilst perspiration dampens your skin. Just because you don't react like a lovestruck teenager who has finally gotten close to their crush doesn't mean that our feelings are so dissimilar. There I go again, letting my hopes run away with me...

"They sound great!" You sit back in your chair again having finished reading. The sequence of small fireworks that exploded throughout my body at your touch ended in the space of seconds, but to me it felt like you were pressed against me for an eternity. "I bet it's gonna sound really cool."

"Thanks," I blush once again, earning a heart-warming smile in return, and I feel myself melt inside. Oh damn, don't you realise what you're doing to me?

Silence presses upon the room for a brief moment, during which you study my face carefully with some peculiar emotion lurking in your eyes, just beyond the reach of interpretation. Is it concern? Irritation? Curiosity? Or something more? Then, just as quickly as the impenetrable shadow appeared, it's gone and you're back to your happy, smiling self again. The image of your smooth, flawless features and bright, sparkling eyes lit up by that wonderful smile sends a glorious warming sensation soaring through my body, soothing the raging monster within.

"Are you sure you're okay?" You question, a faint note of concern in your voice despite your attempts to mask it. "Come and take a break?"

"Nah, I need to get some thoughts out on paper," I say with a weak smile. "You know me: there's always something on my mind."

"I noticed," Your tone is serious for a moment, then you shrug your shoulders impassively. "Anything I can do to help?"

My mouth races ahead of my thoughts and I almost catch myself uttering something that would take me into very dangerous waters. Thankfully, my mind catches up with me before the words have time to spill over my lips, and I settle for shaking my head slowly.

"Okay," You smile faintly, but I notice that it doesn't quite reach your eyes. Is it just me or is there a trace of disappointment in your expression? "But don't be too long – I don't want you beating yourself up too much over a memory of something that happened years ago. Come and sit with us soon."

You pull yourself to your feet and I feel my heart sinking horribly, already filled with dismay at the thought of your leaving. Because without you, I'm worthless. I've always known it, but it's taken until now to accept it. You've become as vital to my existence as the oxygen that I breathe; I need you to survive. It sounds ridiculous, but it truly is how important you are to me. I wish I could find the words to make you understand me.

I watch with a strange sense of longing as you walk away from me towards the door, wishing I could somehow muster up the courage to call you back and tell you how I feel. The very imperfect words I would use in an attempt to enlighten you are already structured inside my head – they have been for as long as I can remember – but I've never had the guts to do it until –

"Hey..." I've called after you before I've had the chance to register it, swivelling around in my seat to face you properly. You pause in the doorway, looking back at me expectantly.

"Yeah?" You responded, your tone slightly hopeful.

I sit battling anxiously with myself, attempting to force those three simply, yet oh so destructive, words out of my mouth, but they seem to have caught horribly in my throat, tangling and congealing into a painfully solid lump that refuses to be swallowed. I feel tears stinging my eyes once more, and it can hardly escape your notice. I watch you helplessly, cursing my fundamental weakness, whilst you frown confusedly.

"Nothing..." I sigh heavily and turn away from you, hiding the tears that have begun to spill over my eyelashes as I resign myself to my lyrics once again.

I feel your eyes upon my back for a few minutes before you, too, sigh quietly to yourself and I hear your footsteps retreating down the hall.

"I love you," I whisper feebly, my voice choked, and I close my eyes as my tears begin to dampen the pages of my notepad, smudging the ink of those three brutally honest lines of lyrics.

'_You're so fucking perfect, you're so fucking cool_

_And I'm so fucking worthless when I'm far from you_

_But in the end it doesn't matter 'cause you make me complete'_


End file.
